The Only Reason I'm Not Letting Go
by bluebuttonsx
Summary: Two bad choices can lead to the most serious of consequences. In this case, the consequence is enough to leave Bella Swan's life in ruin. Not as depressing as it sounds BxE AH AU
1. Chapter 1

**I Had to switch accounts, I'm afraid my old account was hacked**

**The Beginning of the End**

**BPOV**

I don't understand why Mike invited me to this party. I mean, I can't dance, I don't drink and I don't enjoy the company of most people here. I think the only reason I came was because Edward needed it. I suppose you could say I dragged him along for his benefit.

Edward Cullen is my best friend. We've known each other for as long as I can remember and I've always trusted him with my life. Also, for the past six years I've been completely and irrevocably in love with him.

Before you ask, he doesn't know and sometimes I hope he never will. Romance just messes up friendships and I don't want to ruin this simply because I can't resist my own twisted feelings and temptations.

Being in love with your best friend can hurt though, especially when said best friend is as beautiful as Adonis himself with all the charisma of a well-loved politician. Add those two qualities together and you get the most popular guy in school.

It's anybody's guess why he's stuck by me, Plain-Jane Bella Swan, all these years. Every girl at Forks high has thrown herself at him at some point. And guess what, it kind of sucks when you see the guy you're desperately in love with sucking face with some slut.

That's one of the reasons why we were at the party. Not so he could find some new girl to make out with in the corner, but to help him get over the last slag. One of the downsides of being the school heartthrob: you get a lot of heartbreak. This time the dealer was Tanya Denali. After dating Edward for nearly three months she decided that it was perfect time to sleep with Tyler Crowley... and forget to lock the door.

As typical and clichéd as the situation may seem, Edward walked in and his heart pretty much broke on the spot. Even though he could have any girl he wanted, even the school secretary was crushing on him, he'll only date the ones that he actually likes. And trust me, he _really_ liked Tanya. Their breakup was messy and for me, bittersweet: I didn't have to feel my heart break a little more every time their lips touched but I also had to live with a lifeless and depressed Edward.

I brought him to the party to see if I could cheer him up. Let's face it, I was pretty much the only teen in America who didn't enjoy parties.

Everything was going quite well until Mike brought the vodka out. Most people had drunk a few beers already, providing a merry atmosphere, and the music was bearable. Of course, one mention of vodka and everybody decides that getting completely pissed is the right thing to do. Fortunately, Edward wasn't one of those people.

Whenever I got taken to a party, he'd always be the sober one sitting at the side with me, only one or two beers in his system. Tonight was no exception, only this time he decided to remain inside the crowd of jumping teenage boys. I could see his bronze hair and the smile on his perfect face and knew that my plan had worked: he was having a good time, even if it was only for one night.

I stayed at the side, looking at my nails and tapping my feet in time with the music that was blaring from Mike's stereo system. I don't know how he got it here.

Tonight's party was in his parents' cabin which was in the middle of the woods, 10 minutes walk from a small town called Beaver. The room we were in was large and modestly decorated. There was a large step in the middle of the room leaving a divide between a living and dining area. A couple was seated on the step kissing near one of the walls. I smiled regretfully, longing for it to be Edward and me in their position.

I looked back up at the throng of jostling teens trying to relocate my best friend. I scanned every male in the crowd but there was still no sign of him anywhere.

I stood up and circled the group, craning my neck to see into the masses. I was had nearly completed a full circle when I noticed a flash of bronze on the floor a few metres from the crowd.

Edward was lying on the floor at an odd angle. His eyes were closed and his body unmoving. I screamed and ran towards him.

Someone cut the music and people started to look at me. For once, my shyness abandoned me and I didn't care. I knelt at his side and tapped his cheeks, trying to wake him up.

"Edward? Edward? Wake up! It's me, Bella!" I called to him.

I breathed a sigh of relief when his eyes began to flutter open.

"Bella, it hurts," he croaked.

"What does? Edward, are you okay?" I whispered frantically. What if he was hurt?

"My head... I fell... I must have fainted..." He must've been knocked and pushed off the step. He seemed really drowsy.

"Oh my God," I muttered, "Don't worry, Edward. You'll be fine, I promise. Just get some sleep."

At that he closed his eyes and was instantly in a deep sleep. Tears started to spill over my eyes. He must have been in pain.

I recruited the help of some guys and they helped me reposition him so he was propped up against the sofa. I couldn't leave him sprawled out in the middle of the room.

I turned to Mike, "Do you think we should call an ambulance?" I asked, almost completely overcome with worry.

"No need, he'll be fine in the morning – it's just a bang on the head. The two of you can crash here tonight."

I nodded and sat on the sofa. I leaned down and ran my fingers through his hair soothingly. I didn't want to sleep – he may become faint again. I felt my eyes become heavy when Edward stirred beneath my hand.

"Bella?" he rasped, "Bella, the room's spinning..."

"You'll be fine Edward, just get some sleep." I felt him attempt a weak nod and he drifted back into sleep.

Unwillingly, my eyelids started to droop and I fell into a restless sleep.

When I awoke, light was streaming into the room through the windows. I could see now that the floor was a mess, littered with empty drinks cans and bits of food. It took me a second to remember where I was: Mike's parents' cabin.

I sat up slowly, letting my eyes adjust to the sun's glare. My hand was pressed against something warm. I looked down and saw Edward still propped against the sofa in exactly the same position I had left him in last night.

I slid off the chair down to his level so I could check if he was okay. His chest was moving infinitesimally and he was paler than usual. I reached toward his cheek and tapped it gently.

"Come on, Edward. Wake up," I said quietly.

No response.

I grabbed his other cheek.

"Edward, wake up now." I said with a little more clarity and volume.

Still no response.

I took his shoulders and shook him gently.

"Edward, please! It's time to wake up now!" I was nearly wailing. I was feeling desperate and anxious. Why wouldn't he wake up?

I took his hand and shook his arm. When I let go, it dropped to the floor limply.

I started sobbing and pressed my palm against his chest. His heart was beating but it was very faint and very slow.

I moved closer to him and swung my knee over his lap so I was straddling him. I cupped his cheeks in my hands and shook him, still gently but with slightly more force.

"Edward! Please! Wake up!" I choked out that estranged cry in-between sobs.

I leaned forwards, completely at a loss for something to do, and leant my head against his chest letting his shirt soak up my tears.

I was gripping his shoulders tightly and every few seconds I would shake my hands, begging for him to stand up and smile crookedly at me before laughing and saying "ha, I really got you there Bells!"

I remained in that position for a while before I felt a hand touch my shoulder. I screamed and turned round to see Mike standing over me.

"Bella? What's wrong? Is Edward OK?" he asked, concern lacing his usually nonchalant tone.

"He won't wake up!" I howled, "Something's wrong!"

Mike carefully grabbed my arm and pulled me onto my feet. Once I was upright, he took his phone from his pocket and told me to call an ambulance. I slid the phone open and dropped it in horror. There was no battery left.

Mike turned away from Edward who he was busy trying to wake up.

"What?" he asked.

"N...no battery," I uttered almost silently.

He looked to the floor, apparently trying to decide what to do. After a moment, he exhaled slowly then looked up at me.

"Bella, I want you to go outside and run to the town and find a payphone, we haven't got a landline here. Unless you or Edward have a phone?" I shook my head, we'd left them at home, "Okay then, the first thing you see when you hit the town is a payphone but if you can find somebody sooner then get them to call an ambulance from their cell. I think Edward is really sick."

At that, the sobs that were wracking my body came harder with unbelievable brute force. Mike touched my shoulder again and I glanced up at him through my tears. I sniffed and swallowed, regaining control myself and then I ran, as fast as I could, from the little cabin and along the road to the village.

I lost count of how many times I tripped over the rocky track but I made it to the village within five minutes. I saw a police officer on the corner of the street and ran to him, carefully dodging the cars. I stopped right next to him and tried to regain my breath.

"Are you okay?" he asked me, his eyes filled with confusion.

"No... It's my friend, he's sick. We don't want to move him but we have no cell phone or landline. Please help!"

"What's wrong with him? Where is he?"

I told him everything that had happened and the address of the cabin.

He pulled out his radio.

"Control, we have an unconscious boy in the cabin along the track heading into the forest northwest out of Beaver. Hurry, I think the kid's really ill."

At that, he took me towards his cruiser and I sat in the passenger seat. He drove us back to the cabin and waited with us for the ambulance to come.

When the paramedics came, they looked very worried. Edward's condition was rapidly deteriorating.

Luckily, I was allowed to accompany him in the ambulance. The police officer lent me his phone so I could call mine and Edward's parents. I didn't let go of my best friend's hand the whole way there.

"It'll be okay, you're going to be fine," I kept repeating those words. They became a sort of mantra to me, a never-ending repetition. It was a funny feeling, I didn't know who I was talking to more: the dying beauty beside me or myself: the aggrieved best friend.

When we pulled up at the hospital, Edward was raced out of the ambulance and into the hospital. I ran along behind the paramedics, dying to keep up with them. They pushed through a set of double doors but wouldn't let me through.

I stood and pounded my fists against the wood until I broke the skin. I sank to the floor, wailing and crying out Edward's name. When the nurses tried to move me I pushed them away. I knew I looked a mess, I knew people were staring but nothing mattered; Edward was on the other side of those doors fighting for his life and it was my fault.

If I hadn't dragged him to that party he wouldn't have gotten hurt. If I'd have called an ambulance straight away rather than just telling myself he was alright he may have been walking around and smiling by now.

I didn't move until I saw two familiar faces sprint into the waiting room. Esme and Carlisle. Esme's usually beautiful face was lined with worry and, like me, she had tears streaming down her face. Carlisle was more composed but he was still frantic; his usually calm persona was nowhere to be seen. I buried my face in my hands and started to sob even harder: it was my fault they were in this state.

"Bella!" Esme cried as she saw me.

I didn't bother to look up, I just sat there curled up on the floor.

I felt her slender arm wrap around my shaking shoulders and squeeze me lovingly.

"Ssh, Bella, it'll be okay," she murmured, kissing my hair.

"E-Esme... C-C-Carlisle, I... I'm sorry... I'm sorry... I'm sorry," I continued to apologise but my words became impossible to decipher as I became more and more overcome with grief and guilt.

The couple helped me up and over to some seat. Esme and I held each other and cried whilst Carlisle went to speak to the doctor.

When he returned, he looked stunned and distant.

"They've taken him to a private room in intensive care," he breathed, almost inaudibly, "he's in a c... he's in a coma."

On the last word his collected pretence cracked and he sank to the floor in tears. His body shook as the sobs came to him. The tears were spilling from my eyes so rapidly that I was sure there wouldn't be any left soon.

The three of us stayed like that for a long time and I wondered if I was ever going to feel whole again.

I knew people sometimes didn't wake from comas. I also knew that until the day Edward woke up, part of me would be dormant as well.

The next time I saw my best friend he was hooked up to a life support machine unable to even keep himself alive. The sight and thought of that almost completely ripped me apart.

**Please R&R. Reviews support Edward's life machine.**


	2. Chapter 2

**The Only Reason I'm Not Letting Go**

**Chapter 2**

**Three Years Later**

**BPOV**

Three years. Three years _today_. It was three years ago that Edward had fallen into a coma. Another three years I had been in completely love with him.

It may sound strange that I was in love with someone who couldn't even squeeze my hand, speak to me or even see me but I was. I couldn't justify my feelings for Edward but I honestly didn't feel the need to, do you need a reason to love someone?

Since he first went into the coma, there had only been three weeks in total when I hadn't been able to see him at least once a day. Those days weren't _really_planned or intended, I had to go and visit my mother in Phoenix a few times and of course I had been ill. And believe me; on the days I couldn't sit by his bed, time went by painfully slowly.

I still blamed myself somewhat for his state. If I had only called that ambulance everything would be okay, he wouldn't be clinging on to life with his fingertips. But I had spoken to his mother and she had told me that I wasn't to blame; I wasn't to know that he was so ill. I was past the stage of crying every time I saw his immobile and limp body, he wouldn't have wanted that.

I guess you might be wondering what I actually did when I was at the hospital. Truthfully, I didn't do much. Mostly, I sat by his bed, holding his hand and talking of nothing consequential until the nurses threw me out. I'd tell him about my day; problems I was having; the bitchy things Lauren Mallory would say about me and a lot of the time, how much I wanted him to wake up and experience everything the rest of the people our age were.

When we were at the party, we were half way through our junior year. He'd missed out on such a lot: graduation, prom and starting college. I'd missed out on the last one too. I had gotten into all the colleges I had applied to, but I had been completely unwilling to leave Forks.

Charlie said that I needed to let the past go and move on with my life. He even told me, "Edward may never wake up, sweetie, I'm sure he wouldn't want you to throw your life away!" I suppose you could imagine my reaction to that: it wasn't pretty. After lots of tears and screaming, he finally gave in and allowed me to stay where I was, where I was supposed to be: with Edward.

I now had a job in the Newtons' outdoors store. I had no interest in my job but it helped Charlie with the bills and gave me something to do. Unfortunately, one of the things I had to do mostly was avoid Mike in case he asked me out again. You'd think he'd have gotten the message by now.

Mike also felt responsible for Edward's predicament and sometimes he visited him at the hospital. He didn't come very often though.

He too hadn't gone to college. This wasn't for the same reasons as I had, he simply didn't know what he wanted to study and didn't want to leave his mum alone; her and his father had divorced a short time ago.

I sometimes had brief conversations with the nurses. I was there so much that they all knew my name, age and probably my life story. The friendships sometimes came in useful when I wanted extended visiting hours.

On the third 'anniversary' of Edward's going into a coma, I was sat by his bed as usual, just talking to him aimlessly, praying that something I said would wake him up. I always hoped in vain, nothing exciting enough ever happened in Forks, there was probably nothing exciting enough in the world.

I hadn't ever told Edward I was in love with him. He never knew when he was awake and to be honest, I would feel kind of stupid admitting it to a motionless body.

I was also kind of embarrassed. I knew Edward probably couldn't hear me, but what if he could? What if I told him and inside his head he was shocked or disgusted? I couldn't even think that he wouldn't want me to be there but just be unable to tell me.

I pulled my iPod out of my bag and turned it on. I'd Lie by Taylor Swift came on. I laughed humourlessly at the irony of the lyrics: "_If you ask me if I love him, I'd lie_". Sound familiar? I sighed and changed the song to something happier.

Afterwards, I stood up and climbed onto the bed so I was lying next to Edward, wishing more than anything that he would lift his arm and drape it around me. As you may have guessed, no such luck.

I must have fallen asleep because when I woke up, Mike was standing in the room and a completely different song was playing.

"Hey Mike," I said, yawning.

"Have you told him?" he asked, curiosity dancing in his eyes.

I felt my eyes widen and I straightened immediately, jumping from the bed.

"What do you mean?" I demanded, striding over so I was inches away from him.

"Have you told him that you love him?" he asked his voice lowering towards the end of his sentence.

I shook my head fiercely.

"Of course I haven't."

"Why not?" he was smiling and it was annoying me.

"When was the last time you confessed your love to someone who was in a coma?"

He chuckled lightly and walked across the room, taking a seat at the table. I copied this motion, sitting near him.

"Bella, I'm not that smart but I've seen a few movies. There was this one where a woman was in a coma and then this guy kissed her and she woke up."

"You mean "Just Like Heaven"?" I asked, raising an eyebrow. I had no idea where he was taking this.

"Yeah! It was a good film... a little girly but still good," he trailed off and stared into space for a moment before shaking his head and continuing, "anyway, I just thought that maybe if you told Edward that you love him, and maybe kissed him, he might wake up. All I'm saying is that it worked for Reese Witherspoon!"

"Mike, it was only a movie," I whispered softly. He was trying his hardest to help.

"Some movies have a bit of truth in them. Besides, I thought you would do anything to try and help him!"

That made me feel guilty, I would do anything to help Edward regain consciousness, even if it involved me swallowing my pride.

"I would, but it's just so... so _embarrassing_!" I cried, waving my hands in a desperate attempt to emphasise my point.

Mike leaned closer and whispered in my ear, "Isn't a few seconds of embarrassment worth it? I'm sure he'll be embarrassed when he wakes up to find that he's been peeing through a tube for the last three years."

I grimaced and stared down at Edward. He had multiple tubes stuck into him at various points; the rubber obscured his perfect face and hid his creamy skin. What I wouldn't give to rip those tubes out and watch him sit up, grinning crookedly at me.

An ending like that would be worth short term humiliation.

"Do... do you think it would work?" I whispered.

I saw Mike shrug out of the corner of my eyes.

"I dunno; I'm not a doctor," he grunted.

I nodded slowly, weighing up my options. Did I really have any? Could I honestly throw away an opportunity to help?

The idea was mad and irrational but the more I thought it over, the more it made sense. On the unlikely chance that Edward returned my feelings for him, what better a motive to wake up?

I slowly smiled to myself as I slowly walked toward his bed. My heart was hammering so hard that I thought my ribs were going to smash. My breathing quickened from the excitement of the moment. I was _sure_ this was going to work. It felt right.

I was standing at his side. I lifted my hand, suddenly it felt extremely heavy, and brushed some bronze hair away from his forehead. I kept my hand there and slowly leaned forwards.

I was centimetres away, my lips close to his ear. I felt like we were in our own world, completely oblivious to Mike standing a few feet away and the nurses running up and down the corridor.

I parted my lips, breathing into Edward's ear. I drew in a deep breath. It was strange that even though I had spoken to him over a million times, the thought of three little words was enough to put butterflies in my stomach.

The only sound I was aware of was the beating of his heart monitor.

_Beep beep... beep beep... beep beep..._

"Edward... I've never told you this; it's the only secret I've ever kept from you. I guess it's just finally the right time for it to come out," _Beep beep... beep beep... beep beep..._ "Edward, I... I love you. Always have, always will."

I felt a tear slide down my cheek as I bent over to press my lips against his forehead. Then I waited.

I could have sworn that his heart rate quickened for a tiny second but I saw no response.

Edward still lay there, as still and lifeless as ever.

The tears began to flow harder, relentlessly.

The next thing I knew, I was tearing down the corridor and out of the hospital, running from the humiliation I had just faced.

Clearly he didn't love me; if he did he would've woken up like Mike said he would.

That is, if Mike was right?

Is there any use? I just made the one confession I swore to myself I would never make. If he heard me and when (if) he wakes up, things are going to be pretty bloody awkward!

Who was I kidding? Edward would never fall for someone as plain as me. The event I just witnessed was enough to spell that out for me.

I was outside the doors of the hospital now; I slid down the wall I was leaning against until I was sitting on the cold concrete. It was then and only then that I let the sobs completely consume me, more so than they had ever done before.


	3. Chapter 3

**Before I start the chapter I want to make a clarification to you. Something that confused a few people is why Bella listened to Mike. First of all, I chose Mike because it showed how obvious her feelings for Edward and besides, nobody ever does Mike; it's cool to be different. Also, you need to remember that Bella is in such a state of desperation that she would try anything. I wanted to add this in but I couldn't think of where: Bella has literally tried everything over the past three years, everything from setting off alarm clocks to getting taped messages from celebrities. Obviously, her ideas were getting more and more extreme and she was willing to do everything. She didn't believe it would work deep down but she was willing to try and she confused hope for belief. When it didn't work she felt rejected because she thought that his unresponsiveness was a sign that he didn't love her. She also felt stupid for thinking it would work. Hope that makes more sense?**

**Chapter 3**

**EPOV**

Darkness. That's all I could see. Darkness.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

The incessant beeping in the background drove me insane. It was like the darkness: never ending.

I didn't know how long I had been like this. All I knew was that I was unable to move.

It felt like I was tied down into some sort of black hell; sometimes I was convinced of the fact. Imagine being strapped to a table, your eyes covered and given a drug designed to paralyze you. Got it? Well, welcome to my world.

The only thing more torturous than being unable to do so much as raise a finger was the fact I was completely aware of my surroundings. To be honest, they were the only thing that kept me pushing away from the bottomless pit of nothingness that was ready to consume me at first chance.

My main tie to reality was Bella. My Bella. I knew now that I was in love with her. She was good, pure and quite simply... amazing. My only regret was not telling her sooner. I guess it just takes one large shock to the system to discover your true feelings.

She came to see me every day. I would hear her tell me about every single detail of her day. Before she graduated, I'd hear of all her high school issues. The number of times I wanted to kill Lauren Mallory for the nasty things she said was unreal! Now she mostly spoke of her issues with Mike Newton, her employer. He still followed her round like a lost puppy.

I didn't feel like I had been in this state for long. At times it felt like 10 minutes since I had been dancing at the party but my one-sided conversations with those around me brought me into the real world. The last time I had heard the date, I'd been in this bed for nearly three years.

I knew I was in a coma. My mother would tell me this before bursting into tears in the beginning. Listening to her cry was torturous but no matter how hard I tried I couldn't wake up.

I didn't know the date but I guessed it had been almost exactly three years. As always, Bella was at my side.

"Mike is still creeping me out. He asked me out _again_ today. I told him very politely that I wasn't available to go to Port Angeles after work on Friday. You'd think that after I'd told him that over 10 times he'd get the message?"

I wanted to sit up and laugh with her, put my arm around her shoulders and then say I'd beat him if he tried anything on her.

She carried on chatting as if I had actually answered her. I wondered if when I managed to get out of this coma she'd still like me, or if she'd invented a new Edward in her head.

"I know I should be nicer to him, but I just... can't. I can't date... maybe I'm a lesbian. None of the guys here are cutting it for me," she laughed and I felt my heart pang. She doesn't love me. She doesn't love me.

"I'm not leaving Forks though. Not while you're still here," my heart warmed again and she sighed.

I heard her rustling through her bag and pull something out. I heard some quiet click and more shuffling before she started humming to a tune I didn't recognise. One of the downsides of being in a coma: it's kind of hard to keep up to date with music. It was April 2006 when we had been at Mike's house. I'd been dancing to "A little less sixteen candles, a little more touch me" by Fall Out Boy when I'd fallen. That's how up to date my current knowledge of music was.

Bella laughed humourlessly then sighed and climbed onto the bed next to me, snuggling into my side. Feeling her warmth against me, I battled against my restraints and tried to lift my arm to put it around her shoulder, pulling her closer to me. I couldn't.

I felt and heard her breathing become more regular; she'd fallen asleep. I internally groaned, wishing she'd wake up and start talking again so I could hear her beautiful voice. The hours when she wasn't here were torturous.

I allowed my mind wander, fighting it from falling back into the abyss of unconsciousness. I thought of my emotions I had last felt whilst I was alive; they were all I had left to dwell on. I knew I was upset... grieving... I had lost something... Tanya!

I remember her, the slut that broke my heart. I had convinced myself I was in love with her before I caught her rolling round naked with Tyler Crowley. I'd always hated him.

I wouldn't sleep with Tanya. It was one of my morals. I wasn't deeply religious but I didn't believe in sex before marriage. She wasn't pleased about that but I had no idea the lengths she would go to. Turned out the time I caught them at it wasn't the first.

I told myself not to think about it. Time heals some wounds and this one was going slowly. I knew I'd have been over about it but darkness wasn't much of a distraction. I had Bella now... sort of. Hopefully Tanya would be living unhappily now.

I heard footsteps and Bella shifted at my side.

"Have you told him?" a man asked. I recognised the voice as Mike's.

Suddenly, Bella was no longer lying next to me. She'd run over to him, probably continuing the conversation. I could hear whispers but not the words.

"Some movies have a bit of truth in them. Besides, I thought you would do anything to try and help him!" mike said loudly.

What was he talking about? Were they talking about me?

"I would but it's just so... so _embarrassing_!" Bella cried. I wanted to comfort her, stop whatever was embarrassing her.

Their conversation returned to whispers and I just lay there, waiting for them to finish or talk loudly again.

There were more footsteps, coming towards me. A hand brushed against my forehead, pushing the hair away. I presumed it was Bella, only her hands were that soft.

Her breathing became louder as she moved her head closer to me. Her hot air was blowing against my ear. She took a deep breath.

"Edward... I've never told you this; it's the only secret I've ever kept from you. I guess it's just finally the right time for it to come out," she whispered gently.

What had she kept from me? We didn't have secrets. She'd even told me about the time she'd tripped in the corridor and her skirt flew up showing everyone in school her SpongeBob underwear!

"Edward, I... I love you. Always have, always will."

_WHAT?_

She pressed her lips to my forehead.

Then I pushed. I pushed against the blackness harder than I ever have before. Harder than I ever could. I was trying to do the impossible; I was trying to break free.

I had a real reason to wake up, a real reason to live again. I was in love with a girl who loved me back. The feeling was remarkable, unbeatable.

I was nearly there, my heart rate sped at the strain I put upon myself. I was going to do it. I felt like I was about to reach the top of a mountain.

But then I fell. The strain was too hard. I slipped from the top of mountain, went tumbling down the side, into the hands of the greedy monster that pulled me back into the dark.

I'd managed to pull back out, I don't know how long it took but I managed.

Bella was gone, as was Mike but I could hear someone else.

A hand gripped mine, stroking the top.

"Hello Edward," a warm voice spoke. It was my mother.

_Hello Mom_, I replied in my head.

"We miss you, Edward. It's been three years but I still don't miss you any less."

_I miss you too mom_

"Your Father couldn't come today. He's in the building though. It's very busy in the ED. Don't worry though, he misses you too. As much as I do... as much as Bella does"

_I know he misses me. At least he can see my face; I would kill to see yours, his or Bella's_

"I think Bella loves you. She missed college so she could be here,"

_I wanted to tell her to go, to have fun_

"She still blames herself for the accident. She thinks your father and I are mad at her because she didn't call an ambulance straight away. She thinks she could have stopped this. She wasn't to know though. She's not a doctor, how could she know the consequences?"

_She's told me before, she apologises to me and then cries. I can hear her sobs. I want to stop them; mom, but I can't escape the darkness._

"Can you even hear me, Edward? Even if you couldn't I'd still-,"

"Mrs Cullen?" another woman spoke.

"Yes, doctor?"

"I need to talk to you. Would you like to step outside?"

"I don't want to leave Edward." She replied curtly, still gripping my hand.

"Okay. He's actually what I want to talk to you about," she said slowly. She was closer now, right next to my mom.

"Why? Is he alright? He doesn't look worse!" she sounded scared... frantic.

"There's no change. That's the problem. His state hasn't changed in three years. Usually a patient would have shown some signs of recovery by now but with Edward there have been none. His GCS is still 5. As you know, anything less than seven is considered comatose."

"What are you suggesting?" Esme sounded defensive and protecting.

"Mrs Cullen, after three years of being in a comatose state a patient has little chance of recovery. At this point, we ask relatives to make a decision. You can take him off life support and let him die peacefully or you can keep him alive. We don't want to push you either way but remember, he has little chance of survival."

_NO!_ I wanted to scream _I'm still here! I'm trying to wake up but I can't! The darkness won't let go! _Please_ don't let me die!_

They couldn't hear me though. I heard Esme start to cry then run from the room.

What could I do? I didn't know what decision she would make but I hoped she would keep me alive. It wouldn't be much longer, I would wake up soon. I hoped.

It had been another week since the doctor had put the idea forwards to my mother.

Unusually, Bella hadn't returned. I don't know what had happened I just hoped she was alright.

Right now, she was what I needed. She was my light in the darkness, my guide to the end of the tunnel, the end that would take me back to earth.

"Edward, I just want you to know that I love you. I will always love you forever... you're my son. The decision we've made is for you. We just want you to be as happy as possible. I'm going to call the doctor in now," Esme was here with me.

I heard a buzz then Carlisle said, "Please can we have Dr. Donovan?"

They were waiting and even I could feel the tension in the atmosphere. Eventually, the door creaked open. I could hear her high heels clicking against the floor as she approached my parents.

"Is everything OK?" she asked.

Carlisle was the one who answered.

"Yes and no. We've been considering what you put towards Esme. The issue concerning the life support machine," I heard Esme start to cry, "we have thought over every single possibility and we have concluded that we don't know what he could be going through right now. He could be in pain and we could simply be prolonging it. We've been selfish by keeping him alive; we've been satisfying our own needs rather than thinking of his. You've told us he is unlikely to survive and it feels wrong to delay the inevitable." His voice started to crack, "For that reason we wish to switch off the life support machine."

My world then literally fell apart.


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**BPOV**

It was today. Today the reason for my existence would be stopped, ruined, just like that. Who knew two people's lives could be effectively ended with a flick of a switch?

I didn't resent Carlisle and Esme for what they decided to do; I only wished the decision didn't have to be made in the first place. I thought back to what happened when they told me.

_It had been over one week since I had confessed my love to Edward. For some reason I had found myself unable to go back to him; I couldn't place my emotions right now but I was sure that rejection was amongst them._

_I was sitting in my room, sending an e-mail to Renee, wallowing in self pity. I was in a pretty pathetic state: my hair wasn't brushed, I was wearing ratty sweatpants and Edward's old hoodie and tear tracks were visible on my cheeks. Charlie was at work so I was home alone._

_The doorbell rang so I checked out my window to see who it was (I was in no mood to deal with a salesperson). To my surprise, I saw Carlisle Cullen's car parked outside my house. What was he doing here? Was Edward okay?_

_I sprinted down the stairs to get the door. I swung it open anxiously; if something had happened I would be at the hospital by Edward's side in minutes. Standing on the other side of the door was Carlisle and Esme, both with very solemn expressions. Esme looked as if she had been crying._

"_Bella, may we come in?" Carlisle asked politely._

_I nodded then stepped aside so they could enter. I instantly regretted not bothering with my appearance; the Cullens always looked so smart._

_The couple entered the living room and sat down quietly on the sofa. I copied the motion and sat down on an old armchair._

"_Is Edward okay?" I asked nervously._

_The couple looked at each other with an expression I didn't recognise. Carlisle turned to me, taking a deep breath._

"_It depends on what you consider okay," I looked at him with confusion, "You see, Bella, we've had to come to a very difficult decision."_

_I felt my stomach drop to the floor; this conversation wasn't going in a good direction._

"_The hospital gave us a decision," he continued in a strained voice, "Edward has been in this coma for three years now and his survival rate is extremely low. We've been selfish, Bella, forcing him to stay alive just so we don't have to let go," I shook my head and tears started to stream down my face, "He could be in pain right now and we're just prolonging it. I'm sorry we didn't consult with you, I know how much my son means to you, but in three days Edward's life support machine will be turned off. We are allowing him to die with dignity."_

_Carlisle's voice cracked at the end and tears started to spill from the corners of his eyes._

_His words didn't sink in at first so I just stared into space but then they hit me. Edward was going to die._

_That couldn't happen, they couldn't let it happen. How could they kill their son?_

_I started to wail and the tears came harder and faster. I ran towards Carlisle, who was now standing up, and I pounded my fists against his chest and he encircled me in his arms, trying to calm me down._

_It wouldn't work though, nothing could calm me when I had just had my heart ripped from my chest and thrown on the floor._

A tear escaped the corner of my eye as I relived the painful memory.

At that moment, I was standing in Edward's room in the hospital, wearing black clothing. Esme wanted to make this into a ceremony; she wanted everybody to say goodbye one last time. There was a priest here to bless him before the machine was turned off. I sighed; Edward wouldn't have wanted that, he didn't even believe in God.

I was the first one there that day and it was the first time I had returned to Edward's side since I had told him I loved him. I hadn't been able to approach the bed yet though. I had been telling myself that if I didn't accept the situation it wouldn't be real.

My heart cracked a little more every time somebody approached the bed and whispered parting words before kissing Edward's cheek and stepping back into the crowd.

After half an hour, everyone had said their goodbyes and the doctor entered the room.

"Hello everybody," she addressed the room, "we're here today to recognise the passing of Mr Edward Cullen. With us today is Father Paul Gray and before we continue, he would like to say a few words."

She stepped to the side to make way for the priest to come through.

"Dearly beloved," he began, "we are gathered here today to celebrate the life and passing of Edward Cullen. He was a charming young man; a straight A student and very popular amongst his peers. Unfortunately, fate turned on Edward three years ago and he fell into a coma. Since then he has been cared for and thought of constantly by this family and friends-,"

I stopped listening, tuned the guy out. I hated what he was saying, the way he was talking as if Edward was already dead. Instead I chose to look at the heart monitor gaze at the line as it rose and fell with every steady heartbeat.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"I will now ask you all to bow your heads so we can pray for this dear boy's life and safe passage to heaven," the priest wheezed. I followed everybody's suit and bowed my head.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"O god, great and omnipotent judge of the living and the dead,"

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"We are to appear before you after this short life to render an account of our works,"

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"Give us the grace to prepare for our last hour by a devout and holy life,"

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"And protect us against a sudden and unprovided death."

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"Let us remember-,"

"NO!" I heard the cry but it took me nearly a whole three seconds to realise that the gut wrenching sound had come from my own mouth.

Everybody turned to stare at me but I ignored the anguished glares and annoyed whispers as I staggered towards the hospital bed.

I stood on his left side and gripped his hand so tightly I was surprised I owned so much strength. I squeezed it and sunk to the ground, my forehead resting against the mattress.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"Edward," I sobbed, "Edward, squeeze my hand! Squeeze it back! Just... please... don't leave me. Don't leave me here!"

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

There was no response.

"EDWARD! _Please_! _Don't_ leave me! _Squeeze my hand_! COME BACK!"

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

There was still no response. I felt a hand grab my shoulder and try and get me away but I shook them off. Time would have to stand still, mountains would have to move and the stars fall out of the sky before I would move.

I was crying now. harder than the time when Edward first fell into the coma, harder than the countless times he didn't move, harder than the time I told him I loved him, harder than when Carlisle and Esme told me they were going to pull the plug on his life. The tears were fast, wet and furious and at that second I didn't know if they would ever be able to stop.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

I tried to speak again but I couldn't be heard through the choking sobs. After swallowing several times I tried again.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"Edward, _I love you_. I will never stop loving you, ever. Please, just move; show me you're still alive! I don't know what I'll do without you," that was all I was able to choke out before my words faded beyond recognition because of my tears.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

I stayed there, kneeling on the floor for another minute before I heard the doctor clear her throat.

I looked up, barely unable to see a thing through my tears, and saw her standing over the life support with her finger on the switch.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"I'm sorry Bella," she whispered, sounding as if she too was about to cry, "It has to be done."

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

And then I heard the button click.

**EPOV**

"Edward, _I love you_." She croaked, "I will never stop loving you, ever. Please, just move; show me you're still alive!" I was trying so hard, "I don't know what I'll do without you."

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

I couldn't leave her. Even in my desperate endeavours I was able to reminisce.

"_Edward! Edward, I'm stuck!" she called from the top of the tree._

"_Just climb down then, silly!" I shouted back at the seven-year old girl who was desperately clinging to the branches._

"_I'm scared. I'm going to fall," she mumbled._

_Trust Bella to be scared of heights._

"_Okay, I'll get you," I sighed. With that, I started scaling the tree with ease until I reached the same branch as her._

"_I don't want to let go," she whimpered as I tried to take her hand._

"_I won't let you fall," I promised, "I'll never let you go"_

"_Promise?" she sniffled._

"_Isabella Swan, I, Edward Cullen, promise that I will never leave you; not now, not ever."_

_She then took my hand and allowed me to help her back to the ground._

The past always seems to come back to bite you. There was no way I could break a promise to Bella but somehow, this one seemed impossible to keep.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

I was pushing with all my might. This was my last shot at life again. After today I would be gone... dead. The second the doctor flicked the switch I would be finished and that couldn't happen yet.

Even if I was only able to open my eyes long enough to see Bella before I died it would be worth it.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

I was swimming through the immeasurable darkness, trying to force my way up to the surface.

I willed my hand to move within her grasp, squeeze her delicate hand back. It wouldn't happen though, I couldn't do it.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

"I'm sorry Bella, it has to be done" the doctor sighed.

_Beep, beep... Beep, beep... Beep, beep..._

And then I heard the click. The beeping stopped and everything was silent.

The darkness seemed to close in completely. I didn't know if I could make it.

This was it: sink or swim. Unfortunately, I had the feeling I was going down.

**BPOV**

_Silence_. There was no sound at all for an immeasurable amount of time. Nothing seemed to happen, everything was moving in slow motion. I felt as if I was floating, in another place.

But then reality hit me hard. My world felt as if it had crumbled, everything ceased to have meaning.

And then I heard it. Another ear splitting, heart breaking wail.

Once again, the sound had come from my own throat.

I began hammering the bed, my fists balled so tight that my nails cut into my palms. I shook my head, my tears wiping onto the mattress.

Edward couldn't be... _gone_.

I heard the room begin to clear behind me, feet shuffled and the door creaked open.

Once again, a hand touched my shoulder. This time I didn't shake them off but turned around.

I saw Esme who looked as anguished as I felt. Her hair had fallen out of place; wispy bits sticking to her wet cheeks. Her eyes were red and jaw shaking as she tried to keep composure.

"Bella, he's... he's gone," she whispered, her voice cracking.

I violently shook my head in protest. It couldn't be true; Edward wouldn't leave me! He'd promised so many years ago...

Esme tried to pull me up but I wouldn't leave him; I still gripped his had as if my life depended on it.

I turned back around so I was facing Edward. He was still and peaceful. The sight made me want to be sick. I wouldn't look away long enough to do that, so instead I just stood and waited, even though I didn't have anything to wait for.

And then it happened. The tiniest amount of pressure on my hand. The hand that was holding Edward's.

"Edward!" I shouted, "Edward! Can you do that again?"

Once again I felt the pressure only it was a little stronger this time. I screamed with joy and I heard Esme start to cry again only this time she sounded... happy.

"Carlisle! He squeezed her hand! Edward squeezed Bella's hand!" she shouted.

I didn't know how this was happening. It was impossible... a miracle.

A team of doctors had flooded back into the room but Carlisle held out his arm to hold them back. He suspected what I did: drugs and machines couldn't speed up this phenomenon.

I had been staring at his hand, scrutinizing the muscles as they struggled to tighten around my hand. I tore my eyes away to look at his beautiful face.

Someone had taken the ventilator tube out of his mouth at some point, probably why I was crying, and some other wires had been removed.

I found myself gazing into two pools of green, the green I had been waiting to see for so long.

His lids were heavy, struggling to remain open, but they were still moving. This had to be too good to be true.

The tears that had briefly disappeared returned but this time they felt different. They were tears of joy.

"Edward, I'm so sorry... I shouldn't have ever made you go to that stupid party. It's the second biggest regret of my life. The first was that I didn't tell you before... I... I love you,"

I smiled, stroking his forehead and dishevelled hair.

He made a weak attempt to form his crooked grin and then opened his mouth.

"Bella, I love you – always have, always will," he whispered his voice hoarse.

I didn't need another prompt and I couldn't wait another second. Slowly, I leant forward and closed the gap between our lips.


	5. Chapter 5

**One Year Later**

**BPOV**

It had been one whole year since Edward had woken up from his coma. Miraculously, he had no long term damage to his brain, so after one month he left the hospital.

Catching up for lost and wasted time, the two of us were inseparable. Hardly a moment passed when we weren't kissing or touching; both of us were in perfect bliss.

We were walking through the park, fingers interlaced, as the sun was setting on Seattle. We had moved out here within three months of Edward coming home. Our apartment was just small but luxurious and open. Much to my dislike, he paid every penny of the rent and bills.

I was currently attending Seattle University, studying law, and Edward was still in night school catching up for the year of high school he'd missed out on. It also took him a while to catch up on current affairs, a lot happened in three years.

Every morning, when I woke to a kiss on the forehead or an arm wrapped around my waist, I felt like the luckiest person in the world. I must have been a freaking saint in a past life to deserve someone as amazing as Edward.

"Penny for your thoughts?" he questioned, noticing that I was staring into space.

I blushed and shook my head, "Nothing," I smiled.

He looked thoughtful for a brief second before a huge grin formed on his face.

"You know," he began; "I bet that if I tried hard enough, I could read your mind; after all, I am 'The Boy who Lived' that has to come with some perks" he laughed at the Media's stolen nickname for him.

A teenager waking from a coma after his machine was turned off made national news.

I laughed along before turning to grab his other hand.

"I don't think you could, even if you were able to read minds," I teased.

"I could always force it out of you," At that, he spun me around and started tickling me. My shrieks earned us glares from passersby but at that moment I couldn't give a damn.

"Fine!" I gave in, "I was just... thinking about how far we've come in a year and how lucky I am to have the most incredible man in the world as my boyfriend."

"You make me blush," he laughed, waving an arm dismissively, "I believe that I'm the lucky one because I can tell the world that you, the most beautiful and amazing woman on Earth, are mine and no-one else's"

"Have I ever told you how cheesy you are?"

He chuckled and pushed me gently before pulling me back in for a kiss.

"Edward," I asked, "What are you going to do once you finish night school?"

"Apparently I'm a fast learner so, if I work hard, I'll be able to graduate high school at the end of this year. After that I think I'll join you at Seattle Uni and study medicine... unless I can persuade you to go to Dartmouth?"

"I've told you before, Edward, I can't afford Dartmouth!"

"I know you have. If you remember, I've told _you_ before that I can afford to send us to Dartmouth."

Childishly, I let go of his hand and crossed my arms.

"You're already paying for the apartment. I don't want to let you pay for anything else, not unless you want me to go back to Newton's!"

He looked quite annoyed at my threat, "I will not have you go back to that store and have Mike stare at your chest all day long. When I'm around him I'm glad I can't read minds; it would be like a 24/7 porn movie!"

"Looks like Dartmouth is out of the question then," I grinned.

"For now." Was all he said.

I rolled my eyes and skipped ahead.

"You shouldn't skip!" Edward called from behind me, "You're just going to fall over!"

"It doesn't matter as long as you catch me."

I heard him jog to catch up with me and two strong arms wrapped themselves around my waist.

"I would never let you fall," he whispered in my ear.

**A few months later**

It was a small ceremony as there were only a few people involved.

Today was Edward's belated high school graduation.

After months of hard work, Edward had managed to complete his entire school education, passing every exam with flying colours.

Carlisle and Esme had driven to Seattle for the occasion and were sitting on my left. Only a few minutes until it started.

I looked down, playing with the hem of my blue dress, it was Edward's favourite. It was also mine; I was reminded of the reason when I saw the ring on my left hand gleam in the sunlight.

_June 20th: Edward's twenty-second birthday. We were in our apartment, eating the ravioli I'd baked for his birthday dinner. Tomorrow, we were visiting Carlisle and Esme so they could wish him a happy birthday._

_He had been twitchy all night, as if he was waiting for something important to happen._

"_Are you okay?" I asked him cautiously._

_He nodded and took a drink of champagne._

_Shortly, we were both done eating and Edward cleared his throat._

"_Want to go onto the balcony?" he asked._

_Of course, I nodded and let him take my hand and lead me out. We stood in a more comfortable silence for a while, gazing at the busy streets of Seattle. After a few minutes, Edward turned towards me._

"_Please go easy on me," he whispered, grinning, before lowering himself onto one knee. I gasped and felt my eyes start to water._

"_Isabella Marie Swan," he spoke with clarity, "I promise to love you forever, every single day of forever. Will you marry me?"_

"_Yes... Of course I will... I love you," I felt a tear roll down my cheek as he slid the most beautiful ring I had ever seen onto my finger._

I'd been so wrapped up in my thoughts and memories that I hadn't noticed a man walk on stage and begin the graduation.

A woman stepped forward and started to call out names.

"Adams, Katherine," a small woman in her early twenties skipped across the stage.

"Brown, Simon," a large man in his thirties shuffled towards his diploma.

"Cullen, Edward," Edward crossed the stage in three long strides and collected his diploma. He turned to face the audience, giving his parents a photo opportunity. I was beaming, swelling with pride for my fiancé. I caught him throwing me a wink as he left the stage.

Once all the names had been called, I ran towards him and jumped into his awaiting arms.

He kissed me slowly, with passion before murmuring against my lips: "Here's to the future... our future."

And it was for the future. We could put the past behind us now and move onwards. Only this time, I knew for certain that he would never leave me; wherever he went, I was going to follow.

**The End**

**Anyway, because this is the very last chapter ever, please REVIEW.**


End file.
